The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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The very first!!!!

You are so different. Your ways are unpredictable. How can people change like this??!!! You behave in one way for a particular incident at one instant and in a totally different manner for the same incident in another context. I am really a fool to come after you even when you ignore me like this.

I am afraid to speak to you. God knows how you will react and the words you blurt out will be totally unexpected. The words you said that day destroyed me completely. I am the one who came after you even when you wanted to leave. But now I don’t know….

Oh! Madam….so you want something from me now! So you have come to me. Otherwise you have no time to speak or even greet me at the start of a day. I was the one who was there for you when you were alone, when you were hurt, when you wanted support both mentally and financially. How shameless are you to seek the help of a person when you are in need and ignore him completely when your need ends!

What is my role in your house? A servant!? Just because I depend on you and live with you, you are treating me in this way? Even a servant receives better treatment these days. I will go back to my house. That’s better than living with someone like you.

What did you understand from all these lines, about me? I think everyone says the same thing about me isn’t it? Of course, these are said by four different persons who are having important roles in my life. Everyone, more or less, has the same opinion about me. Self-centered, ruthless, cruel, heartless …But I never realized this until I decided to pen down, and, unknowingly list out things said by different people about me on different occasions.

And what do you think such a person deserves in life? Till now I had been thinking that I was right, that I was the one taking all the offence, the pain, the responsibility, the suffering. I had all the while been thinking that I was mistreated, taken for granted and tortured mentally and emotionally. But when I put all these things together, I’m forced to re-think, to re-analyze and re-interpret everything in a whole new light.

Yes! May be, I am wrong. But where was I wrong? Yes, I was ignoring her. I was being harsh with her. But that was because I was upset about all the other things. The stress at work, at home, in my personal life….. I had tried to share my feelings with her initially. But she was too afraid, too young, too naive, too concerned about my safety and my well being that she started going overboard with her emotions and her advice. She started telling me to quit my ideas because they were too dangerous for me and my family and my career. She was concerned about my ‘image’being destroyed. She started interfering in my life, my activities and my decisions with her emotional blackmailing. She started checking on me and controlling me till I lost my mental peace which was already in turmoil. I had to get out this and the only way I could do that was by blocking her advancements. I had to ask her to leave my life, which of course, she was not ready to. When I realized that I would not be able to convince her about my actions, and I would not be able to make my situation clear to her, I had no other way than to hurt her emotions and ignore her. I succeeded in that, with a lot of effort, but the result is that I have to hear; time and again that I have been ignoring her and making a fool out of her.

When someone comes into your life-when you are totally down in the dumps and on the verge of a breakdown or even a suicide, when you feel totally wasted and ignored, when you have been so torn up between all the realities of life- and make you realize that life is beautiful, what would you do? Well, I was just seeing and feeling the pain melt away. I did not pause to think about the rights or wrongs, the yes or no or the dos and don’ts. But in reality, life is not always ‘beautiful’. People change,situations change and if you don’t keep going with the changes and accept the realities, you are bound to be in my situation. You finally lose your self control and certain words just escape from your mouth, which will ultimately destroy someone completely. Once that is said and done, no amount of repentance, asking forgiveness or even begging on your feet will work. The only thing that is left is to teach the world that “Silence is Golden”. At least another person will learn from my mistakes and learn to control the boneless sword lying in his mouth.

It’s true that when you are in need and someone helps you, you feel grateful. But does that mean that you have to be with them and listen to whatever they are saying? Well, you have a brain,you know how to use it…then what’s the point in just singing praises throughout your life for the favors received? Some people expect you to be with them, to talk to them only, to respond to their messages only and if you are a minute late in responding to them, you become selfish and ungrateful…Well, I’m really sorry, but if that is what you mean by being ungrateful, I just accept your accusation.

Sometimes you love and respect someone so much that even a slight misunderstanding from their side is unbearable.The greatest pain that I have felt in my life is when she told that living alone is better that staying with someone like me. When a person who have been a provider and supporter throughout her life suddenly starts depending on others, they suddenly start feeling self conscious, they start getting the unnecessary feeling that they have become a burden. And these are dangerous feelings that should be recognized and dealt with tactfully. Though I have been a miserable failure initially in this regard, the improvement now, is not bad.

People vary, situations vary, and reactions vary. Ordinary human beings like me can never behave in the same manner to everyone around me. As the comfort zone and intimacy level changes,the level of hurt and extent of reactions also differ. What do you think???